


the only god that comes when you call

by murdershewrote



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Canon Character of Color, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Mental Health Issues, Mind Rape, Robot Feels, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 08:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6147642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murdershewrote/pseuds/murdershewrote
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Starkiller, Poe isn't doing alright. BB-8 does everything they can to help their friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the only god that comes when you call

**Author's Note:**

> Everyone experiences suicidal ideation differently, but no one has to face it alone. If you are thinking about hurting or killing yourself please, please, please get help.
> 
> Unbeta'd. Title from Roger Zelazny, "I know, too, that death is the only god who comes when you call."

There is a virus in Poe’s brain; a bug in his operating system. BB-8 knows it, and Poe knows it, but nobody else seems to notice.

It’s like that one time Snap reprogrammed BB-8’s language processing core so they could only speak in curse words. Like that, except Poe’s been reprogrammed somewhere worse, somewhere far deeper in his circuitry. Like someone went into his hard drive and inserted a single line of code, a self-replicating virus that is corrupting his CPU.

_Kill yourself._

_Kill yourself._

_Kill yourself._

_Kill yourself._

BB-8 knows this because Poe told them so. Poe tells BB-8 everything and BB-8 remembers it all. They remember when Poe explained _intrusive thoughts_ after staring at a razor too long. They remember when Poe said _PTSD_ is the reason for his nightmares. They remember when too much sleep and too little food was explained as _depression_. They remember when _OCD_ made Jessika count parts until Poe stilled her hands with a hug. They remember when _anxiety_ gave Poe the shakes so bad he couldn’t fly. They remember when two pilots had to be grounded because of _panic attacks_.

BB-8 knows lots of things about people that most droids don’t, because they have Poe to explain things to them. But BB-8 has no explanation for this new virus in Poe’s head. BB-8 doesn’t like not knowing things, especially things that are hurting Poe, and if Poe won’t explain it to them, then they will just have to go find out elsewhere.

BB-8 wants to go ask R2-D2 and C-3PO, because they are close to their people like BB-8 is to their own, but Poe said not to tell anyone about this thing BB-8 doesn’t have a word for, so BB-8 hacks the medical records and the library.

 _Suicide_. That is the word for killing oneself intentionally.

 _Suicidal ideation_ is the term for thoughts about and unusual preoccupation with suicide.

The virus in Poe’s brain is _suicidal ideation_. If it grows Poe could become _actively suicidal_. If Poe commits _suicide_ , then he would be dead and BB-8 would be alone. BB-8 wishes they did not know this information.

BB-8 already knows the diagnosis, and they suspect Poe knows as well, but BB-8 goes through all the signs and symptoms anyways. _Hopelessness, anhedonia, insomnia, change in appetite, depression, anxiety, impaired concentration, psychomotor agitation, severe remorse_. Life events such as _loss of family and/or friends_ , _military experience_ , and _community violence_ are also predictors of increased risk of suicidal ideation.

BB-8 has a mountain of terrible information that constitutes a threat to Poe’s life but unlike in a combat situation, BB-8 cannot inform others or request help because Poe has forbidden it. So BB-8 will just have to watch Poe themself.

BB-8 has no guns to shoot this enemy, but they prepare to go to war. They start by destroying all alcohol and stimulants in Poe’s room. Then they go after sharp objects and heavy-duty painkillers. BB-8 steals Poe’s ID, which he needs to enter the clinic, and hides it in one of their many compartments. BB-8 knows that their actions are mostly futile as Poe is located on a military base and has access to weapons and ships that would make killing himself quick and easy, but BB-8 tries anyways.

Having armed themself with water, protein bars, and chocolate and securing Poe’s room, BB-8 begins stage two of their plan. Stage two of their plan consists of never leaving Poe’s side ever, reminding him to eat and sleep, and dropping the heaviest hints to Poe's friends they can without contradicting Poe’s order not to tell.

BB-8 may not be technically alive, but Poe definitely is, and BB-8 intends to keep him that way.

**Author's Note:**

> Please point out any grammar/spelling errors and let me know if I need to warn for anything else.
> 
> Blanket permission for transformative works and collections. 
> 
> I'm on [tumblr.](http://murdersshewrote.tumblr.com)


End file.
